Really, I applaud a LA writer to write a piece about why he hates the Celtics. It was a real joy seeing a nice piece of comedy from someone who is probably one of the five legitimate Lakers fans in America. I actually enjoy seeing real Lakers fans. It makes me think that maybe someday they can have fans just as good as Boston fans.
Mr. Ted Green, what you wrote as a piece to try and tell everyone how much the Celtics and their organization sucked, turned into a great piece of comedy. You know what time it is? It’s time for a Boston’s Bettah Breakdown.
1) The Celtics cry. They cry more than Best Actress winners at the Oscars. They cry like every game is a wedding. Every time a call goes against them, there will be more tears than Kleenex can handle. They cry even after they have to dial 911 to mop up some fallen opponent who’s been mugged and beaten within an inch of his life.
Really, because the only time I have ever seen the Celtics cry was when they kicked your ass two year’s ago to win the championship and what was for most their first championship. I seem to remember the Lakers crying a lot that series. Seem to forgot about that did you now?
2) The Celtics also foul. They foul on every play. They foul everyone, from stars to scrubs. They foul as a strategy. They foul as a style. They foul as a tradition. They foul hard and they foul incessantly. They foul just for the fun of fouling. They probably foul their own bus driver on the way to the arena.
Oh boo hoo hoo. Bitch and groan some more. “But Mr. Ref! They’re touching me!” I also seem to remember in 2008 the Lakers fouling a lot more then the Celtics. Funny, if the Celtics strategy is to foul, why do they get to the line more then a lot of teams? If you’re going to claim flopping fine, but if the Celtics are fouling shouldn’t every game have free throw totals in the high 20′s? Why doesn’t that happen? Could it be that the Celtics are just a physical basketball team that knows how to not foul and how to play good hard defense? Interesting thought. At least we don’t elbow someone and then act like we didn’t do anything.
(Wow, it’s pretty apparent that you guys have the biggest bitch in the league. Ladies and gentleman, Sasha Vujacic!)
No. 34, Paul Pierce: Pierce is their best scorer and a load for anyone to guard, including Ron Artest.
HEY! You said something right!
But the Celtics’ captain flops more than a large-mouthed bass taking his last breath dangling from a fishing rod at the end of a pier. Every time Pierce shoots, he acts like he’s been hit by a train. Usually, he hasn’t been touched.
It’s something called drawing fouls. Your boy Kobe is pretty good at doing it as well and you don’t see me complaining about it. It’s an ability the best in the game have.
Two years ago, he fell during the Finals against the Lakers and went off in an actual wheelchair. Five minutes later, he was dropping 3′s all over Banknorth Garden.
You know he needed knee surgery after the Finals? That means something was actually wrong with the knee. Soooo…. yeah.
He actually came back into the game with the music from “Rocky” blaring over the p.a. system. Yo, Paulie, that was such a bad con job, Sylvester Stallone is a better actor than you are.
And went on to win Final’s MVP. Clearly someone is still very bitter that he was a spark to the Celtics in Game 1.
Thanks Ted, thanks for opening the door’s for every single “Kobe is a rapist” comment I have for the next week. I would have felt bad writing them but now that you’ve brought the whole Paul Pierce got stabbed and still played 82 games that season thing, now I don’t feel so bad.
If you’ll be seeing him for the first time, you’ll hate him before the first quarter of Game 1 is even close to over, guaranteed. And by the way, Pablo, your headband is usually crooked.”
Right, because LA cares about appearances they care that his goddamn head band is sometimes crooked. Wow, a real reason to hate a guy.
No. 5, Kevin Garnett: Last you may have seen him, he was goin’ all Karate Kid upside the arms of Dwight Howard in Game 6 of the Eastern finals. Hey, K.G., who’s your instructor, Mr. Miogi?
It was a dumb foul, I will admit that, but again, Sasha Vujacic elbowed a guy and acted like nothing happened. KG on the other hand, admitted he did it and basically told the ref “If Dwight’s going to be a bitch and tickle me I’m going to chop his fucking arm off”.
Garnett is, or maybe was, a great player, Hall of Fame caliber, but once he joined the Celtics, he officially became annoying, arrogant and insufferable, like the rest of them. He is now impossible to root for in any manner.
If by arrogant and insufferable you mean energized and crazy then yes you just described Kevin Garnett. He’s also been playing and acting that way his entire career. You also basically admitted that you rooted for him as a T-Wolve. Some fan you are.
His emotional tearfest in the immediate aftermath of the Celtics’ ’08 finals win over the Lakers remains today one of the truly legendary and awkward postgame microphone meltdowns. One more good cry, which is what you always expect from a Celtic.
Because the guy was so overcome with emotion after finally winning his first title that he had no idea what to say and he was all caught up in the moment. You’re right, it was legendary. In fact that whole post-game was probably one of the most real things we have seen in sports in a while, at least a lot more real then your fake city.
No. 20, Ray Allen: This guy is one of the greatest jump shooters in basketball history. Totally clutch. And he may have the prettiest stroke ever. Money when it matters. He’s also a heckuva nice guy, even though his momma stands up too much and looks like she’s even cockier than KG. I know I’m not giving you any reason to hate him, but never forget the overriding issue: that damn green uniform.
Hating on mamma Allen? Green may have gone a step to far for one of the Celtic’s best fans. Also ironic that you hate the damn green uniform, but your name is IN FACT, Green. I’ll let you cry yourself to sleep.
No. 43, Kendrick Perkins: This guy looks meaner than Cerberus, the three-headed dog who guarded the gates of Hades.You get scared just looking at his picture on Google images. He looks like he would shove his grandma in the middle of the back if it meant getting a rebound.
And looking mean and trying to intimidate the opposition is a BAD thing? Oh that’s right, you live in LA. I forgot. You’re a pussy.
Perkins has the offensive skill set of your average blacksmith or lumberjack. Instead, he does what can euphemistically be called a lot of the dirtywork for the Celtics, dirty being the operative word. He’ll have six fouls by the second quarter, two of which are called.
Because Perkins and the Celtics are the only people in the NBA who ever complain about a foul call. HAH! Also, he was 60% from the field this year. Really a shitty offensive skill set he has there. And you’re right, he’s one of our best low post defenders and a really tough physical player. Re-read, it doesn’t matter if you have Bynum this year because he can’t do shit against Perkins.
He is also a human moving screen. He sets the only pick in the NBA where the player is actually running full-speed into the man he’s screening. This is very often not called a foul, just because he’s a Celtic.
Because he’s a Celtic and what you see as a foul (because, again, LA is filled with pussies) is usually actually a clean play. A tough, physical play, but a clean play.
He is prone to getting technical fouls, usually immediately after waking up in the morning.
Because the Lakers have no one like that coughRonArtestcough.
No. 9, Rajon Rondo. This is the point guard who is faster than any Laker.
You’re right, and he is going to dominate you.
He’s an emerging star and acts like it, too.
With more confidence and as a leader on a team. It’s the Rondo featuring the Big Three show if you haven’t noticed.
If he were any more conceited, he’d dribble with his left hand and carry a hand-mirror with his right. He preens more than TV news anchors.
If he has a weakness, other than the villainous franchise he suits up for, it’s his shooting. He has trouble making open five-footers in empty gyms, much less full arenas. Just remember this kid is, like, 8 years old and already as arrogant as the rest of them.
Some one hasn’t been watching the playoff, or the regular season for that matter. Rondo has been an increasingly more confident jump shooter and has been pretty good at hitting threes as well. Also, I love this idea of using the word “arrogant” instead of confident. Clearly someone in their English Class learned that they were synonyms.
No. 30, Rasheed Wallace. This old grump has been an unmitigated pain since he came into the league. He has two emotions: angry and mad. The technical fine money he’s paid could fund many third-world countries. He’s also at least 52 years old. In every game, bar none, he will a) commit the most obvious foul ever, b) cry to the ref and then, c) act like the whole world is against him. Which, in fact, it is.
You know what’s funny? You really can’t make fun of a guy when his own team’s fans don’t like him either. Nice try, but we don’t really like Rasheed Wallace either so we can all agree on something.
No. 11, Glen Davis. They call this one Big Baby. Right on both counts. Right now he’s about two Krispy Kremes shy of Stanley Roberts, who ate himself out of the league. If he and Perkins and ‘Sheed and KG have 24 fouls between them, trust me on this, they will use all 72.
A high energy guy with a nose for getting rebounds despite being shorter than most Power Forwards and is a great bench player is close to eating himself out of the league? Doesn’t sound right. Also, I’m pretty sure that Glen Davis is actually the Celtics surest bet NOT to pick up fouls, but what do I know. I watch basketball all year, Lakers fans didn’t start until last month.
As the final thought, you know what I found as the most comical part of the whole column? The fact that he feels the need to give a 411 on why the Lakers fans should hate the Celtics. He doesn’t call it “Things I hate about the Celtics” he literally calls it “The Official GUIDE to hating the Celtics”. He’s finally come to the conclusion that Lakers fans suck so much that they need a guide to hating on their biggest rival. That, my friends, is bandwagon fans at their finest.